CONTAGION REPORT

Jerry Farrell

Male Child A consumes 7 pieces of deep-fried chicken

 ”For the first time, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has sent a team of specialists to study an outbreak of obesity in the same way it studies an outbreak of an infectious disease.”

- The Times

As stated in the introduction to this chronological report, the 8/17/07 decision of Female Parent A to purchase a 9-piece fried chicken tender contagion for Male Child A set in motion the current obesity epidemic this community now faces.  The following is a timeline of infectious events.

8/17/07: Male Child A consumes 7 pieces of deep-fried chicken tender contagion.  Overfed, Male Child A gives remaining two pieces of chicken contagion to Female Child B, who consumes and subsequently requests own multi-piece contagion from Female Parent B, who grants approval and sends child to service counter with winning scratch ticket good for one free hot apple pie contagion.  Female Child B consumes 6-piece chicken contagion at table. Apple pie contagion is brought to Home Residence B.

8/18/07: Male Parent B, common-law husband of Female Parent B and stepfather of Female Child B, arrives at Home Residence B and discovers apple pie contagion in refrigerator. Male Parent B warms apple pie contagion in microwave oven and subsequently adds scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream contagion. As he is eating, Male Parent B receives phone call from Male Deer-Hunting Friend A and immediately informs caller of “delicious” nature of apple pie/ice cream contagion. Male Deer-Hunting Friend A is urged to “try this stuff as soon as you can.”

8/19/07: Male Deer-Hunting Friend A purchases one bakery fresh apple pie contagion and half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream contagion at Local Market A. Upon returning to Home Residence C, Male Deer-Hunting Friend A serves individual apple pie/ice cream contagion to Live-in Girlfriend A, Male Child B (son of Live-in Girlfriend A), and Male Teen A (younger brother of Male Deer-Hunting Friend A). All consume contagion. Live-in Girlfriend A advises group to try second helping with addition of a chocolate syrup contagion. All consume. Male Deer-Hunting Friend A picks up chocolate syrup contagion and semi-rhetorically asks Live-in Girlfriend A if she “remember(s) Reno?”  Male Deer-Hunting Friend A and Live-in Girlfriend A retire to bedroom with chocolate syrup contagion. Male Teen A shares opium-laced marijuana cigarette with Male Child B.  Both subsequently consume remainder of pie/ice cream contagion. Dispute over last pie wedge contagion ensues.

8/20-21/07: Police called to Home Residence C after early morning report of “shots fired.” Male Child B taken into custody for alleged shotgun murders of Male Deer-Hunting Friend A, Live-in girlfriend A, and Male Teen A. Multi-unit response to scene reunites Police Officer A of Jurisdiction A with former training academy classmate Police Officer B of Jurisdiction B.  Pair agrees to catch up at Local Bar A.  Three multi-appetizer sampler platters (comprised primarily of chicken-based and fried-cheese contagions) are consumed at Local Bar A and 11 bottled beer contagions are drunk by each officer. Pair departs at 4AM for Local Diner A where they consume two bacon omelette contagions and a shared stack of blueberry pancake contagion. Officer B laughingly orders two “memorial servings” of pie/ice cream/chocolate syrup contagion from Waitress A (who remarks “that sounds awfully good.”). Officers consume pie/ice cream/ chocolate syrup contagion at table. Waitress A does same in kitchen with Fry Cook A.

8/22/07: Fry Cook A, resident of Halfway House A, calls Waitress A to tell her what a nice time he had talking to her over pie/ice cream/chocolate syrup contagion. Fry Cook A invites Waitress A to accompany him to local street fair. Waitress A, ignoring warnings of Waitress B, agrees. Pair spends entire day at street fair, consuming cart-prepared lunch/dinner contagions and several between-meal contagions, as well as 32 ounces of a sugar-based soft drink/spiced rum contagion (Fry Cook A only) after a sexual act in driver’s side seat of Waitress A’s automobile.

8/23/07: Fry Cook A informs Dishwasher A of alleged sexual talents of Waitress A. Dishwasher A expresses astonishment and concern over legality of sexual position/act reminisced upon by Fry Cook A. Busboy A nervously changes subject with inquiry into quality of previous day’s street fair food. Fry Cook A immediately and enthusiastically endorses “jumbo bacon-wrapped beef on a stick” contagion and suggests adding it to Diner A’s menu, just as Waitress A enters kitchen with Waitress B and accuses Fry Cook A of  date rape.

8/24/07: Police Officers A and C of Jurisdiction A arrive to arrest Fry Cook A. Fry Cook A escapes to dining room, seizing Infant Hostage A. Chief of Detectives A and Hostage Negotiator A arrive on scene. Head Cook A, having just completed own version of “jumbo bacon-wrapped beef on a stick” contagion, offers the sizzling contagion to Chief of Detectives A, who declines but suggests that Hostage Negotiator A eat it for sustenance, because “who knows how long this scumbag (Fry Cook A) will keep you bargaining for the kid (Infant Hostage A)?” Hostage Negotiator A eats “jumbo bacon-wrapped beef on a stick” contagion and says “wow, that’s sensational.”

8/25/07: “Jumbo bacon-wrapped beef on a stick” contagion makes debut on Local Diner A’s menu. 167 servings consumed by local citizenry in first 18 hours of availability, followed by 131 servings of apple pie/ice cream/chocolate syrup contagion.  All subjects, and untold others, infected with spiked levels of enthusiasm for these highly-dangerous substances.  Subsequent combination of contagions on Local Diner A’s pre fix menu suggests further mutations ahead.

Recommendations to follow.

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